Sunday, 18 March 2018


In a previous post a little while ago about humiliation Jz wrote here that while humiliation just didn't work for her in a scene, "vulnerability works ever-so well!"

That got me thinking about vulnerability. I'm not sure I have completed my thoughts on it so perhaps readers can help me with their own thoughts.

From a Dominants point of view a sense of vulnerability in a partner can be very attractive. Perhaps it is just the fact that they have trusted you so deeply as to put themselves in that situation in relation to you. It somehow seems to imply a strong emotional bond. I suppose any one to one bondage play provides this situation. However there can be something just in demeanour at any time that can give this impression of vulnerability and I can't quite put my finger on it.

Though in a wider sense it can be a problem. Where someone is described as 'vulnerable' it may be that we are worried about them - that perhaps they are in danger of being take advantage of or even abused. Perhaps it is this danger in being vulnerable that gives it its power when placed in a context of trust and perceived safety. Or to truly be 'vulnerable', does there have to be a slight fear that things might not go exactly as one planned or hoped?

How does it feel though to be vulnerable. What is the attraction for Jz and others who can delight in its frisson? What does it feel like? Can it turn from a positive feeling to a negative one? How does one keep the positive feeling and avoid the negative one? It is important for a Dom to have some awareness of this. It is clearly important that a delightful sense of vulnerability in a scene does not suddenly turn into fear and distress.

Any thoughts?

Saturday, 10 March 2018


I have been thinging about this a lot recently in a variety of contexts.

I am sure I have written on here before about the importance of touch. I have been thinking about it recently and discussing it with friends partly in relation to the variety of discussion that has led from the #metoo movement and consequences in the UK at least where allegations of inappropriate touching - interpreted as sexual harassment or assault - have led to serious consequences for the people concerned, I am not wanting to get into that debate in this post. However I think it has made people more concious of the way they touch others and the appropriateness of that.

There is a positive side to that in that men in particular need to understand that there are occasions where physical contact is not welcome or appropriate and may be extremely unwelcome. However there is a negative side where touching can become forbidden in many contexts as a way of ensuring that no physical contact is inappropriate.

This has been developing in the UK for decades - and much of it for very good reasons. Where one is working in a professional context with children, vulnerable people or with the opposite sex on a one to one basis there has been a focus on such issues. Though truly it refers to any human reaction with another - though where there is a power relationship it becomes more of an issue.

Last year I had to have a slightly uncomfortable medical procedure. Whilst it took place a nurse placed her hand on my shoulder and I found that very comforting. Fortified by the medication coursing through my system I made a point of telling her that as I was aware that in some contexts that might have been thought of as inappropriate - perhaps especially if it had been a male nurse and a female patient. The nurse asked me to repeat my thoughts in the comments form I would receive to fill in later as she had already had discussions with the doctor about this.

Perhaps the issue about touching is where it is inappropriate because of a power relationship...

But I will leave that for now. I have gone on far more than intended. I think physical contact between people is important. It is comforting and supportive. I recognise that many women in particular may have had experiences where such hugs have become too intimate and inappropriate. However I think it is important that we find ways of working round that and recognising the value of touch. Hugs are good.

Do read this article that prompted me to write again about this issue:

No hugging: are we living through a crisis of touch?

Wednesday, 7 March 2018

hypnosis and control

Recently I came across a some adult oriented videos about hypnosis. In several of them the hypnotist brought the subject to orgasm just through the power of suggestion. The subjects all seemed to have enjoyed themselves (some of them very much so!)

There was one site I cam across though where the hypnotist was promoting private videos he had made with a number of women where they were hypnotised to orgasm, many of them in a bdsm type of context. Interestingly he used some of the techniques of a Dom - such as saying "good girl" etc, though he was trying to create a D/s context.

It might just be because I found him slightly sleezy that I was a little uncomfortable about the videos. Some years ago I was at a performance where one of the acts was a hypnotist. There was nothing adult about this performance but again I found myself a bit uncomfortable about it. All the participants were volunteers but I did not like the way that they were being made foolish. For instance one man was asked to say something special to his girlfriend. He got down on one knee and proposed marriage to her. At this she was very shocked and clearly unhappy about his proposal! In some of the adult videos the hypnotist encouraged (tricked?) the subjects into intimate contact with him. I am sure parameters will have been discussed beforehand and if the subjects had been unhappy with the final product no doubt he would not have wanted to publish it. He was also using techniques to encourage women to orgasm that helped him get past their natural reticence. For some this may have been great - and was in some achieving a quality of orgasm they said they had not experienced before. I can imagine it might be brilliant to help some women achieve orgasm who may not have been able previously for psychological reasons.

There is a but though...

... or maybe it is just a question.

D/s and much BDSM is about different levels of control. It can be about giving oneself completely into the control of another. It is what "power exchange" is all about. This level of hypnosis seemed to be the ultimate in 'control'. The subject has consented to be hypnotised so where is the problem? I think it is that however much it is discussed beforehand the subject cannot know fully all that is going to be done. Once under hypnosis there is no safe-word. Once hypnotised one can no longer give or retract consent. I think given this, some of his actions could have been regarded as sexual assault.

I wonder if I am just being too over the top about this. After all If a sub allows herself to be bound and gagged by her Dom to be used by him in a scene then surely this is no different?

Any thoughts???

Tuesday, 6 March 2018


Ooops - is it really so long since I posted?

You will think I have forgotten you. No of course I haven't done that, just been remarkably busy with other things.

New post tomorrow, I promise.


P xx

Saturday, 10 February 2018

questions from the vanilla world...

I recently had a long comment written in response to an earlier post punishment and domestic discipline. The questions asked seemed to be too far reaching to respond to in another comment - and also worthy of wider discussion. So I posted the comments as an Uncle Agony post here.

I was a bit overwhelmed at first by the range of questions and issues raised. However the core one seems to be about the acceptance of punishment in a Domestic Discipline relationship. It boiled down to her last two words...

"But why?"

The questioner is from the vanilla word, has just discovered BDSM and seems genuine in her eagerness to understand it better. Some of her questions though are interesting and challenging in themselves. I hope readers may find time to pop over to Uncle Agony and read the post and perhaps help to start a discussion which may go some way to enlightening her.

Or as I suggested there - perhaps she just needs to dip in her toe to test the water for herself...

Thursday, 8 February 2018

keeping up

It's been a bit difficult keeping up at the moment but there was a really interesting comment on the Humiliation post I referred to in my last post here.

It was by northierthanthou and you can read his full comment here. My response was here.

In brief he was, I think, looking at the motives of 'humiliation' from both sides and came up with the notion of "making someone feel badly about themselves."  That was something we both felt at least uncomfortable about. I liked his thought about whether it was ok when he asked the question "Is the submissive individual actually humiliated or are they still strong and proud after all?"

A proper post will follow soon - but I would be genuinely interested in any further thoughts on this topic.

Thursday, 25 January 2018

The role of humiliation in BDSM

The discussion in the last post focussed on Doms using humiliation as a technique and its appropriateness. This was particularly in response to a reader who had asked why Doms seemed to slip into this approach even after the pre-play relationship had been polite and mutually respectful.

I was reminded of an online relationship I had some years ago with a submissive on the other side of the world. Ours was a polite and respectful relationship - an online friendship that turned into an online BDSM relationship. She made it clear at the start that she was not into being demeaned and gave as an example that she did not want to be called a 'slut'. I am not sure now how the line was crossed but it was not many weeks before she revelled in being a called a slut! So things can change. Although the word was not really being used as humiliation - but more as a celebration!

I have noticed though that in the seven or eight years of this blog the post that has been by far the most read is one on Humiliation. You can read it here.

I think it is still an interesting read and has seventeen comments which include some interesting perspectives from submissive who are both into humiliation or not as well as the perspectives of a couple of Doms.

I wonder why that post is so popular and the most regularly sought? On a weekly basis, of the older posts it tends to be at the top of the most viewed.

I wonder if readers have any thoughts on why the subject is so sought out.

You may also have thoughts on my final sentence in the post,
"Is submission itself a humiliation?"

Thursday, 18 January 2018

playing a role...

I had a very interesting email from a reader a little while ago. She had been exploring online, discussing with Doms, enjoying a little online play and banter and discovering what she found comfortable, what was enjoyable and what turned her on.

She likes to have a mutually respectful and polite relationship with her online Dom friends. However she has discovered to her dismay that as soon as it turns into online play that their manner changes. From being polite and courteous they suddenly become quite debasing in their language and  demands. She wonders whether this harsher tone is necessary and whether all Doms resort to it to enforce their dominance. She clearly found it a turn-off.

She asked me whether it was possible for a Dom to maintain an element of his respectful views of a sub (women in particular) during role play, in spite of the power exchange. I think it is. Though I recognise many Doms may use this change in language and apparent attitude as a shorthand for exerting their dominance rather than building on the relationship they have started.

I wonder what others think. Is it necessary to use harsh and demeaning language - or can a kind Dom find more expressive ways of exerting his dominance?

Wednesday, 10 January 2018

loss - bdsm break ups

Breaking up in any relationship can be very hard.

Is a break-up in a BDSM relationship more intense than other relationship break-ups?

I was talking with a friend a little while ago who had recently split from her partner. She was taking it very hard and finding it very difficult to get over. This was despite it being almost on the cards from the very start as her partner had a very volatile temperament.

It was though a BDSM relationship. My friend was the sub. So she had given her love as in any vanilla relationship. However she had opened herself totally in her submission, physically, emotionally and psychologically. Her partner knew her so intimately; owned her body and soul almost. Now she was gone...

Perhaps that can be the same in a vanilla relationship but I wondered if the nature of a BDSM relationship further heightened the feelings of distress and despair.

Do readers have a view on this, perhaps from their own personal experience?

Monday, 1 January 2018

New Year Resolutions...

Happy New Year everyone. Wishing you all a delightfully happy and kinky 2018.

Have you made any New Year resolutions? No I don't mean the boring ones like do more exercise, giving up smoking again and being much tidier. I am thinking of ones more on the kinky side. Are you going to find more interesting and imaginative ways of pleasing your Master? Are you going to search for even more inventive ways of tormenting your masochistic submissive? Or perhaps you have yet more interesting - or even mundane- BDSM related New Years resolutions to share.

I keep commenting to Inès that she really needs a spanking - usually when she has teased me at a time when she knows I am too tired or too busy to do so. I tell her she will get one later but of course she always "forgets" to remind me. This year I shall remind myself and she may get a few more of those deserved spankings! In fact I want to put much more time aside for that part of our life. We have both been busy with other stresses and commitments this last year which have got in the way of us making time for ourselves and kinky pleasures. So this year my resolution is to make much more time for deviant fun - and perhaps to try to attend a few events.

Wednesday, 20 December 2017

Berlin again...

I'm back from a great weekend in Berlin to a cold house! My central heating boiler has broken down. Fortunately it looks as if I can have a new one fitted before Christmas which is good as the firm I use close down on Friday until the New Year. The heating engineer is working on it as I write.

I was so cold when I got back yesterday and slept very poorly because the bed was so cold. Yes I know there are other ways to keep warm in bed but Inès is still in Berlin and there was nobody else available! I should have written on here immediately for volunteers!!!

I am fortunate that I have some wood burning stoves but they don't heat the water so I will be very smelly soon.

There was an international munch in Berlin on Friday evening that I thought we might get to. We went last year and met some really interesting people. However by the time I arrived and got settled and we'd had our first gluhwein and something to eat it was rather late to head across town. So we didn't make it this year. There are always lots of BDSM events in Berlin and places for debauched fun. Anonymous mentioned the KitKat club in a comment to an earlier post. This year though we didn't get to any of them. We mostly had lots of vanilla fun visiting the Christmas markets and soaking up the Berlin atmosphere.

We did meet up with Heidi of Pique Lingerie again. No - not for play, just to chat and hang out. She introduced us to a great cafe restaurant that we would never have found on our own and had lots of fun catching up and chatting and drinking tea and eating some lovely food. All very vanilla but great fun. Thank you Heidi. Though next time we have a possible photo-shoot planned with some very imaginative ideas. So watch this space.

I may not post again before Christmas so I would like to wish all my readers the very best wishes for the festive season and a very happy and peaceful New Year. Thank you especially to those of you who have taken the time to comment and join in our discussions during the year. May all the most salacious and depraved of your wishes come true - and may Father Christmas bring you the sex toy of your dreams... !


P xxxx

Monday, 11 December 2017


Inès is on a train somewhere in Germany. She set off from the North of England very early this morning by train and if all goes well should arrive in Hamburg late tonight. I got a text early this afternoon to say she was travelling through Liège in Belgium.

I was so pleased as I was worried she might not even get as far as London. We have had snow and freezing temperatures in the last few days and English trains don't seem to like the cold - leading to frequent cancellations during inclement weather. There is a famous occasion when trains were cancelled in autumn ('fall' for our American cousins) because of "leaves on the line".

It is great though to travel by train. You have some idea of the distance you are travelling rather than when flying - which is just 'magic'.

Inès was bemoaning the fact she was stuck in a train seat for so long. It is good for her to be restrained and controlled like that. It makes her stop and reflect. I should tie her up more. I think I may message a friend in Berlin to see if she can arrange some restraint and control for Inès when she arrives there. I am sure the friend will have contacts!

I'm planning to meet up with Inès in Berlin at the end of the week for the Christmas markets and festive fun. Some fetish fun would be good too. We'll have to see!

Do you or your partner need that too - to be made to stop for a while from your mad, manic life, to pause and reflect? Is bondage and domination the perfect answer???

Monday, 4 December 2017

rubber and latex...

I'm not a fan of rubber and latex as a sensory feel, unlike leather or silk, it doesn't have the same sensory appeal to me. However I do like the look it gives of someone totally encased in a way that can be very flattering to their body. (Though the models of course tend to all have very attractive bodies in the first place!) To me the restriction and encasement has a direct link with bondage and bdsm.

I came across Reflective Desire via Twitter, I think. There is lots of free stuff but if you find you like it then of course do feel free to support them. (I have no affiliate link.) The free videos on there may provide an interesting introduction.

Are there different textures, fabrics, sensations that turn you on? Heavy leather, delicate silks? Can fabric or clothing turn you on? Even what has become street wear with high heels, tight skirts and dresses, might almost mirror the effect. So what fabric or clothing turns you on? Both to wear and to see.

Friday, 17 November 2017

Le Déjeuner sur l'Herbe

Do you know this painting by Edouard Manet? You can see it here. It is a painting of  two fully clothed men at a picnic with a naked woman. There is another partially clothed woman in the background.

There Is a photo I like of Man Ray and Paul Eluard with one of my favourite photographers Lee Miller and two other women. You can see it here. Miller herself also took a photo of the scene which you can see here. The men are fully clothed and the women all topless.

There is an interesting eroticism in the notion of clothed men accompanied by naked women. To me it implies a level of D/s control and has an erotic charge of the women appearing to be making themselves available to the men - or having been made available for them.

I imagine it would work also the other way round with clothed women and naked men where the power balance would be the opposite.

Inès works as an artists' model and so is regularly naked in a room full of clothed people. Usually the groups are mixed but often can be men only or can be one-to-one sessions with a man. The eroticism of this situation is carefully avoided, it is supposed to be art, a professional relationship, but I find it hard to believe there is not an undercurrent of eroticism.

Next weekend Inès and I were hoping to go to an event where the men would all be dressed smartly in suits and the women all naked. I think because of work commitments it may not be possible. This is the second year running we have tried to get along but things have got in the way. We are both disappointed, perhaps especially Inès. As well as the power dynamic she also gets off on the exhibitionism.

Have others been involved in this kind of scene? Do you enjoy the power dynamic of clothed/unclothed? Do you like to be an exhibitionist or do you like to be the voyeur?