Friday, 24 March 2017


... that I've not been around much.

Moving house next week - amongst all the other chaos.

More soon...


P xxxx

Friday, 3 March 2017

energy and motivation

I usually try to post on a Thursday. No reason for that I suppose other than to give some order and expectation to my posting and a routine perhaps helps me in some tasks. Though I hate being disciplined by routine - or anything!

I didn't get round to posting yesterday. I was busy - but I am often busy and make time to post on this blog as a priority. This week I didn't - or not in time for my self-imposed deadline. It doesn't matter, the world won't come to an end. But...

Well, could it be an indication of not coping, or lethargy or something more? It got me thinking about larger things. I'm often under stress in my personal life from a variety of causes and now is no exception. There have been times in the past when I haven't coped and that has had some serious consequences.

We all go through bouts of feeling down or even serious depression and/or anxiety. For some submissives BDSM can help them through such periods. It can keep them on track, maintain their focus and become a solid point for an anchor. I wonder though if for some it becomes difficult to maintain their submissive role. It is hard work. it requires strength to be a good submissive. So what when the submissive no longer feels strong and lacks the energy to submit with the alacrity she used to? And for the Dom too - how does he maintain that dominance when he is feeling tired and drained? I wonder then what the effect is on their submissive when they appear less dominant, take less charge, make fewer demands.

Have you been there in any of those situations? How did you cope? Did it affect your relationship? How did you help each other get out of it? Was BDSM a support and help - or something that got in the way of solving the underlying problems?

Thursday, 23 February 2017

is BDSM erotic?

I find it so.

I get turned on by power and control in a sensual  or sexual setting. For instance in my last post about orgasms I find controlling a sub's orgasms erotic in itself. The same with other aspects of BDSM such as bondage, spanking, etc. - especially when combined within such settings.

I wonder though if others find this almost frivolous. For them D/s may be a lifestyle choice. They get satisfaction and fulfillment from it without the need for a sexual thrill.

I am not trying to say that for me BDSM is exclusively a sexual activity. However it certainly adds to my sexual pleasure.

I do know that many submissives are also turned on through being controlled, from being in the power of another, by being spanked or held in bondage.

I wonder about my readers...

Does BDSM turn you on?

...or is it more serious than that?

Thursday, 16 February 2017

controlling orgasm

It can be fun to control orgasm. The Dom of course gets fun from exercising control in a very intimate setting. There can be pleasure for the sub too. Insisting on a sub asking permission before coming can keep the sub at that level of being on the edge of orgasm for some time. That can be a very pleasurable place to be - as well as frustrating for some. When given permission to come after this period of delay can result in an even more intense orgasm. Training a sub to come on demand can I am sure be great fun also. I have heard from those who say they can come on the command of a particular word - or through counting down. That could be very interesting in a crowded restaurant! I will often command Inès to come as she is approaching orgasm which gets her to associate my command with her orgasm. She now says she gets pleasure from the command and it can assist her in achieving orgasms on occasions where she is tired and didn't think she could come again. Though we are certainly nowhere near the stage of coming to orgasm just from the command.

I am not sure of the pleasure involved in long term orgasm control such as the wearing of chastity devices for extended periods but there are those who gain pleasure from this as Doms and subs.

I have been reminded recently though in correspondence with a friend that there can be dangers where this is taken too far and goes beyond the sphere of pleasure and the control becomes conditioning that can have long term negative consequences for the submissive. My friend has left her husband and Dom after many years of what she now recognises as abuse. She now has some serious sexual problems because of the long term effects of orgasm control. Another correspondent had a very similar experience and wrote about it in some detail to Uncle Agony some time ago. You can read her story here. (There is more discussion of the issue on this blog here and here.)

Do you enjoy controlling the orgasms of another or having your orgasms controlled? Is there any danger in this? Can it have unforeseen consequences? Are there other aspects of conditioning inherent in BDSM activity that can also be potentially psychologically harmful?

Thursday, 9 February 2017


I like rope.

Well - in a certain context!

I like using it on my woman, to wrap her, restrain her, bind her, stretch her, open her.

I like making patterns with rope on her body.

I like the feel of natural hemp rope that I have prepared myself as I run it through my hands before tying her tightly so she too can feel the sensuousness of the rope as it moves across her body before digging into her and enclosing her.

I like the marks it leaves on her body.

I like the way it controls her.

I like her response as her body and mind sink into the sensuality of the experience.

I like photographs and videos where rope has been used in this way as an art form; the beauty of some shibari or kinbaku; the eroticism of performance and the response of the model.

I like taking my own photographs of rope used in this way. There are a few on my Fetlife profile.

Do you like rope? Do you like using it or it being used on you? What do you enjoy about it? Is it the powerlessness if you are tied or the power if you are tying? Do you enjoy the sensuality of it? Is it the physical experience or the mental one that is stronger - or is it a combination of both?

If you have any memorable experiences with rope do feel free to share them with us here...

Thursday, 2 February 2017

art porn...

In recent weeks I've discussed ethical porn and feminist porn but I feel that I now prefer something that has better production values and perhaps even aspires to an artistic input where the overall look and feel of the result is important. If it becomes truly artistic then is it any longer porn? Or might it then be described instead as erotica? Though perhaps some of this kind of work can become pretentious and lose the erotic charge.

There are sop many debates about what may or may not be art and some interesting examples in literature where banned books such as D H Lawrence's "Lady Chatterley's Lover" and Hubert Selby's "Last Exit To Brooklyn" were later seen not as obscene but as literature. There have been films where similar arguments have taken place. One example in the UK was Stanley Kubrick's "Clockwork Orange". That was originally controversial and banned but not by any stretch of the imagination porn. More recent examples of controversial mainstream films with a strong sexual element are for instance in Europe Lars Von Trier's "Nymphomaniac" and in the US John Cameron Mitchell's "Shortbus".

In photography there are now lots of photographers producing beautiful, stylised pictures of bondage and bdsm scenes. They certainly seem more artistic or erotic rather than pornographic.

In the end perhaps it is not a matter of whether it is art or not - but whether it brings another vision of sex and often bdsm.

Do any of the following work in that context?

From last week's post here is the site of women reading, Hysterical Literature.

Four chambers is a group that produce some very interesting videos some of which I rather like. Their website is here.

A favourite of mine that you may like is called TIGER. You can watch it on Vimeo here.

So are any of these porn or art or erotica or...
... none of the above?

What turns you on?

Thursday, 26 January 2017

feminist porn

A couple of weeks ago I discussed ethical porn. I wondered how this might connect with feminist porn. Again - just Google it. Or check out for instance for an example.

I thought there must be a connection with ethical porn because of course a feminist perspective would put an emphasis on the rights and protection of women working in the industry. They of course do this but they - and other sites - try to also promote porn that might be more attractive to women. However that can often imply a lack of control and force which may exclude BDSM scenes. To be honest - some can be quite bland. Though not all.

There are many performers and producers in the BDSM field who are strong women and may describe themselves as feminists. They do not feel the need to be part of a niche. There are many such women perhaps performing and directing for There is a UK spanking site that claims to be feminist that some might like to check out - Pandora Blake.

This got me thinking about some other sites that may be both ethical and feminist because they claim that the performers have often self submitted and also because of the style.

For instance Beautiful Agony which just shows the faces of women, and sometimes men, bringing themselves to orgasm. The success of this led to IFeelMyself which developed the theme and started to show nudity and, later, partners.

In researching this post I came across another site that I found very erotic. It is not visually explicit in any way but shows a woman sitting fully clothed at a desk reading from a book. Hidden below the table is someone using a vibrator on them. They are challenged to continue reading until...

I felt there was a BDSM aspect to that site as there was a level of control. The women had been instructed to read a book. She was doing her best to comply with that instruction whilst someone else was arousing her and she was instructed not to prevent that. BDSM doesn't all have to be about ropes and whips. It can be about control and eroticism.

So what is erotic? There is so much explicit porn that is often repeated over and again so that it ceases to be erotic. Perhaps in porn also less can be more?

I have not addressed gay porn so I will leave questions...
- Is lesbian porn necessarily ethical and feminist?
- I have not watched much gay male porn as it is not a strong interest - but can male performers be abused in the same way as women?

Though perhaps my overall question is what is erotic in porn? And can feminist porn be erotic?

Thursday, 19 January 2017

porn and young people

Last week we had an interesting discussion about ethical porn. But however ethical that porn may be I wonder about its effect on young people.

I guess porn may have become the main sex education influence on many young people. There are lots of reports that children now become introduced to porn on the internet at a young age. When we watch BDSM porn we understand its context. However much porn has now taken on many of the aspects of BDSM and not in a good way. Gangbangs, choking oral sex, hard spanks including face slapping, forceful anal sex and much more is represented as mainstream. Force and lack of respect for the woman is seen as normal.

I do not feel that this is a good way for boys and girls to learn about sex. Boys may think that it is normal to treat girls disrespectfully and forcefully. Girls  may believe that this is what they have to accept.

There is another movement in porn sites as well as ethical porn - and that is feminist porn. Again Googling will bring up a number of sites. The whole notion of this is anathema in some feminist circles. I wonder too if it may sometimes be somewhat bland.

So is there an answer to this? Can we have a quality of sex education that helps young people have a more balanced view of sex and relationships? Is feminist porn an answer to this and the ethical porn issue? Or as in many aspects of society do we just have to recognise and accept that the internet is as much a negative force as a positive one?

Thursday, 12 January 2017

ethical porn

Do you watch porn on the internet?

No need to answer if you prefer not but I wanted to discuss an issue about BDSM porn. It is really an isue about how one can be sure of the level of consent when one watches BDSM video clips.

I have seen a couple of sites recently that are recommending ethical porn sites. There are a number of them so rather than me typing them here you could just Google "list of ethical porn sites". Interestingly several of them list as an ethical site. It seems there are good reports from actors working for them and they have got a good reputation. This is very pleasing given that there is some quite strong stuff in there. A much older, and now quite notorious competitor, insex though closed down because of very negative reports from actors. There is a Hungarian site where there were even arrests I understand.

So if you do watch BDSM porn, please make sure you are watching performers who are acting and even enjoying their work rather than being abused.

Soon that will no longer be a problem for me as it is likely that such sites will all soon be banned in the UK. The Digital Economy Bill is likely to come into force soon.

Thursday, 5 January 2017


SwitchingFun posted a very interesting blog post in November about Primal play. Do read it here.

It is very interesting as well as being informative and offering good advice. It is not something I have been involved in but I have noticed others who say they are into Primal play. It looks as if it could be exciting and fun... though it also appears to have potential dangers. I suppose with all BDSM play the important aspect is to be aware of risks so as to minimise them as much as possible.

Although Switching Fun writes that it is not necessarily rough I have got the feeling that for many who like this kind of play it can be very rough. I wonder too if in the excitement and action of this kind of play whether it might be too easy to miss a safe word or for things to get a little out of control. Could it be a place where abusers could operate? There are also others - I am thinking in particular of the profile of a friend on Fetlife - for whom Primal is about extreme experiences and a more care-free approach. Perhaps being abused becomes almost part of that. Maybe the whole point is to no longer feel safe.

Perhaps I am just too cautious!

Have any other readers been involved in this kind of play? Is it what you are into? Is is something you would like to try?

Sunday, 1 January 2017

Happy New Year

Wishing a very happy New Year to all readers of this blog.

Whatever your kink I hope that 2017 provides lots of opportunities for exploring your desires and finding fulfillment in great relationships. Have fun - and be kind to each other!

P xx

Thursday, 22 December 2016

Festive Greetings

Just a brief post this week I'm afraid to offer seasonal greetings to all of my readers.

Have a spankingly good time.

P xxxx

Thursday, 15 December 2016

being too kind

'Tis the season to be jolly and festive and share kindness...

Peace and goodwill to all men (and women of course!)

So no spanking then?


Thursday, 8 December 2016

advice please...

Oh dear!

It's Thursday again. I've been away for a wonderfully kinky weekend in Berlin with Inès. Then much to do on my return...

... so no topic for a blog post today.

Also I have to buy Christmas presents. Advice please.

What delightfully, imaginatively kinky present can I buy for Inès?

If you have any ideas - do let me know!!!!

Thursday, 1 December 2016


A recent email to Uncle Agony (here) and the replies to it got me thinking. The submissive writer and her dominant partner were both new to BDSM. They were each exploring their needs and trying to take on their respective roles. She, the submissive, was though becoming concerned that she was being tasked to do things that were close to or beyond her limits so was  worried that the dominance might be getting close to abuse. There were some very good replies from readers offering excellent insight and helpful advice. I began to worry though about how prevalent this might be. The sub writer had developed concerns and had at least tried to get advice and support from writing to Uncle Agony.  I know others who sadly only recognised their abuse many years later when the hurt was greater and had had a huge affect on their lives not to mention their self image and self esteem.

In some cases this abuse may come from a dominant partner who is manipulative and who has no thought or care for their submissive partner other than using them for their own needs. Such a partner will lower the self esteem of their submissive by encouraging them to believe it is their own fault through not being submissive enough.

However there may well be other cases where it is just lack of knowledge on the part of both partners. A new dominant may feel that they have to express themselves in such a way to show little account of the needs or desires of their submissive partner. "It is what I want that is important." Whereas the submissive who is struggling to obey commands may feel that they are just not being a good submissive and must try harder. The effect in the end will be similar to the first scenario with lack of self esteem and an abusive relationship developing even though that was not the original intention of either of the two.

We were all new to this once. There may be those who were lucky and who met an experienced dominant who was caring and understanding and who supported their submissive through their journey. It is perhaps more unusual though for a dominant to be able to learn from a submissive in such a way. How does a new dominant gain the wisdom to guide and support  a submissive along what can be a very difficult and apprehensive path?

So how do we get started in a safe way - emotionally, psychologically and physically?

How can we encourage those new to BDSM to seek help and advice and where do we advise them to seek it?