Monday, 11 December 2017


Inès is on a train somewhere in Germany. She set off from the North of England very early this morning by train and if all goes well should arrive in Hamburg late tonight. I got a text early this afternoon to say she was travelling through Liège in Belgium.

I was so pleased as I was worried she might not even get as far as London. We have had snow and freezing temperatures in the last few days and English trains don't seem to like the cold - leading to frequent cancellations during inclement weather. There is a famous occasion when trains were cancelled in autumn ('fall' for our American cousins) because of "leaves on the line".

It is great though to travel by train. You have some idea of the distance you are travelling rather than when flying - which is just 'magic'.

Inès was bemoaning the fact she was stuck in a train seat for so long. It is good for her to be restrained and controlled like that. It makes her stop and reflect. I should tie her up more. I think I may message a friend in Berlin to see if she can arrange some restraint and control for Inès when she arrives there. I am sure the friend will have contacts!

I'm planning to meet up with Inès in Berlin at the end of the week for the Christmas markets and festive fun. Some fetish fun would be good too. We'll have to see!

Do you or your partner need that too - to be made to stop for a while from your mad, manic life, to pause and reflect? Is bondage and domination the perfect answer???

Monday, 4 December 2017

rubber and latex...

I'm not a fan of rubber and latex as a sensory feel, unlike leather or silk, it doesn't have the same sensory appeal to me. However I do like the look it gives of someone totally encased in a way that can be very flattering to their body. (Though the models of course tend to all have very attractive bodies in the first place!) To me the restriction and encasement has a direct link with bondage and bdsm.

I came across Reflective Desire via Twitter, I think. There is lots of free stuff but if you find you like it then of course do feel free to support them. (I have no affiliate link.) The free videos on there may provide an interesting introduction.

Are there different textures, fabrics, sensations that turn you on? Heavy leather, delicate silks? Can fabric or clothing turn you on? Even what has become street wear with high heels, tight skirts and dresses, might almost mirror the effect. So what fabric or clothing turns you on? Both to wear and to see.

Friday, 17 November 2017

Le Déjeuner sur l'Herbe

Do you know this painting by Edouard Manet? You can see it here. It is a painting of  two fully clothed men at a picnic with a naked woman. There is another partially clothed woman in the background.

There Is a photo I like of Man Ray and Paul Eluard with one of my favourite photographers Lee Miller and two other women. You can see it here. Miller herself also took a photo of the scene which you can see here. The men are fully clothed and the women all topless.

There is an interesting eroticism in the notion of clothed men accompanied by naked women. To me it implies a level of D/s control and has an erotic charge of the women appearing to be making themselves available to the men - or having been made available for them.

I imagine it would work also the other way round with clothed women and naked men where the power balance would be the opposite.

Inès works as an artists' model and so is regularly naked in a room full of clothed people. Usually the groups are mixed but often can be men only or can be one-to-one sessions with a man. The eroticism of this situation is carefully avoided, it is supposed to be art, a professional relationship, but I find it hard to believe there is not an undercurrent of eroticism.

Next weekend Inès and I were hoping to go to an event where the men would all be dressed smartly in suits and the women all naked. I think because of work commitments it may not be possible. This is the second year running we have tried to get along but things have got in the way. We are both disappointed, perhaps especially Inès. As well as the power dynamic she also gets off on the exhibitionism.

Have others been involved in this kind of scene? Do you enjoy the power dynamic of clothed/unclothed? Do you like to be an exhibitionist or do you like to be the voyeur?

Sunday, 5 November 2017

Dominance - being weak to be strong

There are a lot of pressures on Doms to remain strong. That is their role. Their subs expect it. That is why many have given their submission to another - for them to be strong and control and care for them.

But there are times when we all need some down-time. For a Dom that may be to be weak for a while; to let go and not be all-powerful; to just relax themselves and let go of the responsibility. "Responsibility" puts on so much pressure. In the end we all need a break from it. There are many who have responsible real life jobs who love to spend time as a submissive with a dominant just to be able to let go. So if someone close to you relies on you to be dominant then where do you go? What do you do when pressures build up? How do you respond?

A friend recently wrote to me that she remembered her Domme saying to her, "that she could never do a 24 hour play relationship because she needs to be able to be weak sometimes in order to be the strong dominant I know."

This was at a time when we were both feeling lots of pressure and stress. She continued, "And I feel totally weak because all the stress from the last weeks is catching up with me. But I realize I need this so that I can go on later." Then recommended that I take a break too.

It is the same for all of us - whether dominant or submissive. We sometimes need a break from stress. BDSM can sometimes be that break - to take us totally out of our day to day worries. However if we are over-stressed then it might be difficult to maintain that dominant demeanour.

So subs, if your dominant needs a break, remember the very wise words of my friend about her dominant, "she needs to be able to be weak sometimes in order to be the strong dominant I know."

Friday, 3 November 2017

keeping on keeping on...

I recently received some very kind and complimentary words about this blog from a commenter here.

They concluded, "Thank you, Pygar, for writing such thoughtful posts and creating a great space on the web for us to ponder these issues."

The post helped motivate me to continue writing the blog. It is difficult sometimes finding the time in a busy life. The popularity of the blog has varied over the years and has lost a considerable number of regular readers since my year's hiatus while I was in China. There is also the problem of coming up with new, relevant and interesting topics for discussion after so many years.

However it is always good to be reminded how many people over the years have found the blog interesting and helpful. I know people's lives have been changed by it. I know too that the strength of it is in the discussion and contributions by those who join in by commenting.

So I will try to keep writing. Let's keep discussing "the ethical questions that D/s and BDSM bring up". Please help me by adding the occasional comment and even suggesting topics that you would like to be discussed.

Thank you to all my readers.

Monday, 23 October 2017


There have been so many words written recently in relation to this man's actions and the broader issues they raise. So I do not presume to think I have much to add but will say just a few words as men have been asked to do so rather than it being women who are condemning such actions.

Of course I do so - and recognise that it is not just about one man or one business but pervades society and too often men's attitudes to women. In particular it applies to men in power and how they chose to use or abuse that power.

A BDSM relationship or situation is just that - where one person has power over another. The key is whether the one with power chooses to abuse that power relationship. Within the BDSM community there is such a consensus over the need for consent and opprobrium towards those who abuse that situation that I hope such abuse is rare. However I am sure it does happen. It is for all of us to call out when we become aware of such abuse.

I hope in my blog posts over many years I have been consistent and explicit about that.

Tuesday, 5 September 2017

back from Berlin...

I'm back from Berlin now. It made a great break from pressures at home but I'm not sure I got up to the amount of depraved debauchery (or is it debauched depravity?) that my readers expect of me! Perhaps I was too tired. Though Inés did get involved in some body painting in the centre of Berlin so was photographed naked at Checkpoint Charlie!

Here is a link to a photo. NSFW

And no, before you ask, the golden cock isn't mine. I was taking the photograph.

I did also get to meet Heidi, the creator of Pique Lingerie while I was there. At that time she was very stressed as she was trying really hard to get lots of publicity to support her Kickstart campaign. Since then she has found out that the campaign was a success so is thrilled by that. Thank you to those of you that have offered support.

We tried to fit in a photography session but didn't have the time. So a bondage shoot is now planned for a future visit!

Thursday, 17 August 2017


I'm flying to Berlin tomorrow to meet up with Inès. I'm hoping to have lots of fun and, who knows, perhaps some delightfully decadent debauchery!


I will also be meeting the founder of Pique Lingerie for a coffee so I am also looking forward to that.

I'll let you know all about it when I get back.

Well, nearly all...


Saturday, 5 August 2017

lingerie, sensuality and fetish...

Decadent lingerie from Berlin for the fuller figure...

I'm afraid this post starts as something of a promotion. I once before advertised an online book on spanking by an online contact that I thought was good but I think that is the only previous time I have done this.

I have a friend in Berlin who is setting up a lingerie business for the fuller figure.

" Inspired by Berlin's hedonistic, pleasure-seeking underground, Pique Lingerie explores the nuances between desire and decadence, temptation and compulsion It seduces you into rousing hidden urges and embracing passion without compromise." Well that's what it says on the website!

Perhaps you might like to have a look at the website here or the Kickstarter site here. She talks about it herself and how it was motivated by her search for sensual lingerie for the fuller figure and inspired by her growing love of fetish and Kinbaku in a rather lovely video here.

I hope you might find it interesting and even pass it on to other friends who may like it.

It has made me think though about the role of lingerie in bdsm, kink and fetish. Women - do you like to dress up for your partner? Can it give you a feeling of power or submission? Can it just make you feel positive because you have made the effort to look attractive, sexy or seductive? And men - do you like your woman dressed seductively for you, whether as dominant or submissive?

(I have to admit that I rather like the look of women dressed as dominatrices even though I have no desire to be dominated. Perhaps it is because I like strong women. I must enjoy the challenge!)

Sunday, 23 July 2017

being outed...

In a recent post here I discussed "coming out" about ones BDSM lifestyle. In the comments Dani said she had been "outed" by her X.

Being outed is a whole different ball game from deciding to come out oneself. As Lea commented coming out or being outed could have huge consequences for her.

Some time ago gay activists outed prominent people who were gay without their permission. Often this was to illuminate hypocrisy and to further their cause for equality and acceptance. This was widely criticised by many.

Given that the consequences of being outed as in a BDSM lifestyle can have such adverse consequences, can it ever be justified?

Have any readers had experience of this?

Friday, 30 June 2017

the views of vanilla friends about BDSM...

When I was responding to some of the comments to the previous post about coming out I had some thoughts about the potential views of vanilla friends.

There may be a significant lack of understanding from many in the vanilla world. When some have come out to friends it has resulted in a judgemental response and then friendships have been lost. However, I can understand  that some friends might be concerned and initially unhappy for understandable reasons.

In the case of a female submissive a friend might be shocked at the nature of the relationship if each of them had understandably strong views about the rights of women and their equal place in society. It might be that in the vanilla world the submissive in this case is perceived as a strong woman who would advocate these rights. This could cause some confusion in the friend who could not reconcile the submissive nature of her personal relationship with views about appropriate roles for women.

A vanilla friend might find it very difficult to distinguish between abuse and consensual use in a relationship or play setting. To many in the vanilla world much BDSM play must seem like abuse - especially the more extreme forms of play.

I think in these cases the friend who was negative might not be being judgemental but being properly concerned for a friend. It might take a lot of discussion and education for this to be resolved and in some cases may never be. If the response is not purely judgemental though then perhaps that is OK. Surely it is good to have friends looking out for you.

Friday, 23 June 2017

coming out

Are you out to friends and relatives about your BDSM relationship? Few are I think. Despite the new popularity of BDSM themed novels and films the BDSM scene is seen as rather strange and scary to many in society. Indeed many will find it distasteful and immoral. Issues of feminism, human rights and abuse can soon come to the fore.

So we tend to keep it quiet in the main other than with friends in the scene.

Lea wrote a little while ago on her blog about coming out to a friend who she thought would understand. Someone she hoped she could talk to freely and honestly about this important part of her life and relationship with the person she was closest to. Sadly that friend was unhappy about it. She saw it as something unhealthy, to be cured. You can read Lea's blog post here. One of her commenters had a similar experience which destroyed a friendship.

Inès and I once came out to a younger, broad minded friend. She too though could not understand it and misunderstood the nature of out activity even though she knew us well. Fortunately it has not affected our friendship.

I wonder if others have had similarly negative responses - or do you just keep it quiet just in case?

Saturday, 17 June 2017


A comedy film came on TV last night just as I was going to bed. It was quite amusing and I found myself watching it all the way through. It was about three couple entering a competition for the most novel wedding. One couple wanted a naturist wedding and spent most of their time in the film completely and explicitly nude though there was no eroticism or sex in the film.

Afterwards I googled the film to find out some more about it and discovered the actors playing the naturist couple had been shocked at quite how explicit the nudity was when shown. They were unhappy about having shown their bodies so totally. Was this some kind of shame in their bodies? Lack of confidence? Or just that they felt they had been misled and exploited?

How do you feel about your body? Are you happy to display it naked? Do you even get off on it?

Inès delights in being nude in public. She does it as her job as an artist's life model. She enjoys exhibitionism. We had hoped to go to a recent event where all the men were in suits and all the women naked but were unable to attend. Though even at that I understand some women kept certain items of lingerie on. We plan to go to a local fetish event soon with Inès naked and me fully dressed.

I have worked with her once as a life model and there were artists there who I know. I felt completely at ease with it.

For some it is a delight rather than a fear. It can be completely asexual in certain circumstances but in others have a strong erotic charge.

Have you been naked in public? Did you get off on it? Would it be a challenge for you? Dare you... ?

Do tell...

Friday, 9 June 2017

"un art de vivre"?

I came across this comment on Twitter today,

"BDSM… Un art de vivre, pas un hobby."

Roughly translated - "BDSM... A lifestyle not a hobby."

Is MonsieurF right? Must BDSM be a lifestyle rather than a hobby or can it be either or even something in-between?