Friday, 27 February 2009

have I learned anything?

swan asked in a comment below if I had learned anything from the failure of the relationship that I described here. She wondered if I would do things differently if the circumstances arose.

I do want to learn from this. It is important to always continue to learn. I am sure I will do and I have been reflecting upon it. I wrote last year about a previous parting. I reflected a lot on that and wrote about some of it in this blog - last May I think if you want to look back. I did learn from that a lot. It also made me a little more cautious about my emotions and protecting them. But that is hard in such relationships.

If one does not give an emotional commitment then it cannot work. So there is bound to be sadness. I am pleased that my friend asked for release now rather than in some months time - when our emotional commitment would have grown so strong. Then I know I would have been badly hurt - and may have badly hurt another. If it was not going to work then I am grateful to her for having the common sense and strength to stop it before we both became damaged by it.

The thing I have reflected upon is the intensity of the relationship - and the extent that might have been created by my approach or whether it is just inherent in the D/s dynamic. I know that previous online relationships I have been involved in have also become very intense very quickly. That is not necessarily a bad thing. It can be very seductive and give extreme pleasure. In a sense it is what it is all about. But if it catches one unawares then problems can arise. I was aware that such intensity could arise quickly and warned my sub of this at the start. That is not to say that I shouldn't have perhaps realised she was getting caught up in it more quickly than she had believed possible at the start. But we are all adults - and when she did realise she sensibly put a stop to it. However if she hadn't then perhaps she could have been damaged by the experience, rather than enhanced by it in the way I had hoped.

So I have had reinforced the dangers of how such relationships can become so very life affecting - and my own responsibilities in ensuring a sub who has given herself to me to care for is not hurt by the experience. I need to reflect on my responsibilities to ensure I do not harm someone who has put her trust in me.

Tuesday, 24 February 2009


It came out of the blue.

She asked to be released.

It was an online relationship. We had hardly known each other long. In truth we were still getting to know each other - though a bond and affection had grown quickly. I had warned her at the start that such relationships can become very intense. She had thrown herself into it with gusto - becoming far more submissive and sensuous than she had imagined posible at the start. Perhaps that was the problem.

She'd had a weeks holiday and time to reflect - even though she was keeping up to her reduced daily tasks. She realised that embracing her submission had consequences for her daily life. Her work was suffering. She was neglecting her friends. The sexual energy she chose to expend on me left little for her husband. The growing deceit was hard to maintain. The time she set aside for creative thought was now taken up with erotic reverie. Household tasks were being left undone. She had been taken over so completely by her submission.

So before she fell back into that safe space of submission - she reasserted herself and asked for release.

I think she did right.

I had written for her some overriding instructions. In summary these said that she should look after herself physically, emotionally and psychologically. She should do nothing to harm herself in these ways or to damage her relationships with family or friends or her standing in the community or at work.

But her very submission to me was in conflict with these overriding instructions.

So in a way - asking for release was carrying out my instructions. There was a contradiction that in continuing to submit to me the consequence would be to break those instructions I had carefully put in place. I wanted her to grow through submission to me rather than be diminished. But for her it was having the opposite effect. So she did right and I am pleased she did so before real damage had been caused.

That does not stop a sadness we might both share for the loss of what might have been.

I hope though that we have both learned from this.

I wish her well and every happiness.

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

being teased

I think all my subs seem to have teased me - and that continues to this day!

I rather enjoy it. I think some Doms can take themselves far too seriously. I feel it shows self confidence in my position as Dom - but others may feel that being teased by their sub undermines the nature of their relationship.

Perhaps some would say I am not taking it seriously enough.

Saturday, 14 February 2009

Valentine Greetings

I would like to wish a happy Valentine's Day to all my readers.

I hope you get to celebrate it in wickedly salacious and erotic ways ...


Thursday, 12 February 2009

topping from the bottom

This phrase is often used to describe a situation where a sub uses her wiles to get her own way, perhaps sometimes in a manipulative manner. It tends to be regarded as very bad form - and implies a weakness in the Dom.

I am wanting to suggest that it may sometimes be no bad thing - and if communications are good should never be necessary.

I once talked with a sub who felt that tears could be used in a manipulative way to reduce a punishment and was critical of it as "topping from the bottom". However she was happy to talk of how she would leave a longer time in counting the strokes in a caning to indicate the effect of each stroke to her Dom. Was that communicating or was she too topping from the bottom?

Yes the dynamic is of course all about the sub being controlled, of the Master's wishes being all important. But surely in a good, trusting and respectful D/s relationship the Dom has a duty and responsibility to try to meet the needs and desires of his sub. Surely that is part of the agreement. His sub has given herself to him - but in the expectation that doing so will also meet her needs. Is finding a way of communicating her needs to be dismissed as topping from the bottom?

If she is reduced to trying to manipulate a scene - or even fundamentals of the relationship ... then couldn't that imply that quality communication has broken down?

Saturday, 7 February 2009


Lady Alpha wrote in a comment to an earlier post that,
"... pain is generally perceived by the population to mean something that should be avoided. Even coupling the word 'exquisite' with 'pain' doesn't seem to get the message across: pain is extreme sensation, and is not necessarily bad or best avoided."

I do not like feeling pain. I am quite a wimp really! So I am full of admiration for subs who undergo pain as part of a scene. I would not normally deliberately cause anyone pain. But within a D/s dynamic, within a BDSM encounter pain can be an essential and fulfilling part. I have had a sub request more pain from me - more strokes - harder. She needed that within the context of the encounter to fulfil her desires and needs.

It can be interesting to investigate sensations - to try to find the point where a pleasurable sensation turns to discomfort and where discomfort turns to pain. It can be fascinating to investigate where pain can be pleasurable and where pleasure can be painful.

The endorphins created by pain can give great pleasure - it is similar to athletes pushing themselves in a painful way and getting an endorphin rush that helps them to extreme performance. Many subs like to push themselves in the same way, helped by the same endorphin rush.

Within a D/s relationship pain can also be part of the establishment of a relationship of control - the administering and receipt of, say, a spanking establishes the whole nature of the relationship.

For some spanking or being spanked can be the totality of the BDSM and D/s aspect of the relationship. They just like spanking!

I have only touched the surface here I am sure - and there may be many subs who enjoy spanking or more extreme pain in a D/s relationship who may be able to explain much better.

It is also the responsibility of a Dom to ensure that the context of the administration of pain is such as to enable the sub to gain satisfaction, fulfilment - and yes even pleasure - from the scene.

As Lady Alpha says, pain is extreme sensation. Perhaps rather than just not necessarily being avoided - there may be circumstances where it is to be embraced.

Monday, 2 February 2009

the eroticism of power

I wrote last of the erotic power of submission. Of how submission to me was powerful. How it could arouse me in a very strong physical sense. Some subs wrote that the act of submission had the same effect on them - that there was an eroticism in the relationship.

There is a flip side to this though that does not feel to me so positive.

I am not aroused by my own power - or I think not - I am aroused by the woman's submission to me. But is this not the same? That would worry me though.

Power too has a strong erotic force. Many women are attracted by power. Would Monica Lewinsky have been drawn to service Bill if he had just been a bloke she met in a bar? There are numerous examples in British politics of senior politicians of a certain age and without obvious physical attractions having affairs with beautiful younger women. Presumably these women are attracted by the power of the men. It arouses them in the same way that submission arouses me.

This may be the case also with the legion of examples of older businessmen having young, beautiful, "trophy" wives. There is sometimes an assumption that they have been attracted by their husbands money. But could it be their power that attracts them?

This is often abused by men in powerful positions. They know the effect of their power and influence. They could perhaps be helpful in ensuring promotion if only ...

So women may provide favours and may even occasionally receive preferment as a result. So unscrupulous men abuse their power because some women make use of it.

I have been in senior positions with power over the preferment of female staff. I have never misused that position in this way and have never been tempted to. However I know of one example of a senior colleague who had a reputation for appointing pretty women and having affairs with them. This was despised by male and female colleagues but he seemed to get away with this abuse of power.

There is also the point that in analysis of rapes that the perpetrators do not do it for sex - but to exert their power over a woman.

So whilst power may be an attractive quality in a Dom, one that is desirable to his sub ... there are aspects of use of this power with which, even as a Dom, I find very uncomfortable.