Thursday, 29 September 2016

how to please a sadist... ?

I recently had a new comment to an old post about sadism. You can read the thread here.

In the comment Anonymous asked, "Is there any advice on how to please Master when He isn't hurting me?"

There will be lots of ways sumissives find to please their Master. Perhaps any or all of these would suffice. However I wonder if readers have any specific suggestions for ways a masochist could please her sadistic Master...

Thursday, 22 September 2016

Tell me a secret...

Go on.


I won't tell anyone.

I promise.

Do you have a secret sign to celebrate your dominance or submission that is private between the two of you? Something that only you would understand the significance of? For instance a tattoo, or a piece of jewellery. For example I have known subs who wear a certain necklace or choker as a symbol of a collar, a special ring, a charm on a chain that is a lock. Or perhaps it is something hidden beneath clothes.

Do tell...

Thursday, 15 September 2016


Often discussions on this blog, including some recent ones, seem almost to predispose a loving D/s relationship as being key. I know I often talk about trust and communication as being so important. Also central seems to be an empathy and care for the needs of another. This has often seemed to imply a loving relationship and many commenters are fortunate in having such a relationship within which they can explore their needs safely.

But surely a "loving relationship" isn't really necessary. I have played with friends successfully where we were "just good friends". Yes, trust and understanding have to be built up, but not necessarily love.

It would be unusual nowadays to presume love before a sexual relationship started so is it not just the same for a BDSM or D/s relationship? Cannot BDSM buddies exist in the same way as sex buddies? Perhaps I am stating the obvious but it has recently struck me that some of my discussions on here seemed to imply love as part of what made D/s possible in a serious context. Surely that is not the case?

Or is it that the aftercare needed following an extreme session needs truly loving care? Does love make so much more possible? Is it possible to have a 24/7 non-abusive relationship that is not loving?

Ae you in love with your Dom or your sub? Does it matter?

Wednesday, 7 September 2016


In a comment to my previous post humiliation, needs and likesLea wrote,"It takes quite a person indeed to be able to humiliate but still retain the loving part of the relationship."

That has had me thinking about a few things.

The D/s lifestyle and BDSM activities include many things that would be anathema in normal society. How can one humiliate or cause physical, emotional or psychological pain to someone on a regular or ongoing way and call it a loving relationship?

From the outside it must seem impossible or at the very least peculiar and strange. I am sure many would assume such relationships are abusive - and in some cases I know they truly are from correspondents who came to realise that was the nature of their relationship and then chose to do something about it.

For many perhaps such activities are kept within boundaries and the trust and respect and desire to meet each others needs in an equal way is what characterises them as loving relationships. Many though live D/s (and other classifications that better describe the full nature of their relationship) on a daily basis. It is then not a separate activity with clear boundaries but an essential part of the relationship.

How in 24/7 relationships does one ensure that the barriers between respect and abuse are not crossed? The Dom has clear responsibilities here. But he is the one with the power. And, as Lea wrote, it takes quite a person indeed...

Many relationships, like mine, are on a continuum between in the bedroom only and 24/7 lifestyle. That may be from choice or from practical constraints such as family, social contacts and employment. I wonder though if the closer one is towards the 24/7 lifestyle end of the spectrum the harder it may be to retain that essential love and care and the more danger of it degenerating into abuse.

I have found it hard to find the right words for this post. Do I have it totally wrong? How can one ensure that love, care and respect are truly there when activities of hurt and humiliation are also key parts of the relationship?

Thursday, 1 September 2016


I'm away at the moment.

Back next week, all being well.