Friday, 30 June 2017

the views of vanilla friends about BDSM...

When I was responding to some of the comments to the previous post about coming out I had some thoughts about the potential views of vanilla friends.

There may be a significant lack of understanding from many in the vanilla world. When some have come out to friends it has resulted in a judgemental response and then friendships have been lost. However, I can understand  that some friends might be concerned and initially unhappy for understandable reasons.

In the case of a female submissive a friend might be shocked at the nature of the relationship if each of them had understandably strong views about the rights of women and their equal place in society. It might be that in the vanilla world the submissive in this case is perceived as a strong woman who would advocate these rights. This could cause some confusion in the friend who could not reconcile the submissive nature of her personal relationship with views about appropriate roles for women.

A vanilla friend might find it very difficult to distinguish between abuse and consensual use in a relationship or play setting. To many in the vanilla world much BDSM play must seem like abuse - especially the more extreme forms of play.

I think in these cases the friend who was negative might not be being judgemental but being properly concerned for a friend. It might take a lot of discussion and education for this to be resolved and in some cases may never be. If the response is not purely judgemental though then perhaps that is OK. Surely it is good to have friends looking out for you.

Friday, 23 June 2017

coming out

Are you out to friends and relatives about your BDSM relationship? Few are I think. Despite the new popularity of BDSM themed novels and films the BDSM scene is seen as rather strange and scary to many in society. Indeed many will find it distasteful and immoral. Issues of feminism, human rights and abuse can soon come to the fore.

So we tend to keep it quiet in the main other than with friends in the scene.

Lea wrote a little while ago on her blog about coming out to a friend who she thought would understand. Someone she hoped she could talk to freely and honestly about this important part of her life and relationship with the person she was closest to. Sadly that friend was unhappy about it. She saw it as something unhealthy, to be cured. You can read Lea's blog post here. One of her commenters had a similar experience which destroyed a friendship.

Inès and I once came out to a younger, broad minded friend. She too though could not understand it and misunderstood the nature of out activity even though she knew us well. Fortunately it has not affected our friendship.

I wonder if others have had similarly negative responses - or do you just keep it quiet just in case?

Saturday, 17 June 2017


A comedy film came on TV last night just as I was going to bed. It was quite amusing and I found myself watching it all the way through. It was about three couple entering a competition for the most novel wedding. One couple wanted a naturist wedding and spent most of their time in the film completely and explicitly nude though there was no eroticism or sex in the film.

Afterwards I googled the film to find out some more about it and discovered the actors playing the naturist couple had been shocked at quite how explicit the nudity was when shown. They were unhappy about having shown their bodies so totally. Was this some kind of shame in their bodies? Lack of confidence? Or just that they felt they had been misled and exploited?

How do you feel about your body? Are you happy to display it naked? Do you even get off on it?

Inès delights in being nude in public. She does it as her job as an artist's life model. She enjoys exhibitionism. We had hoped to go to a recent event where all the men were in suits and all the women naked but were unable to attend. Though even at that I understand some women kept certain items of lingerie on. We plan to go to a local fetish event soon with Inès naked and me fully dressed.

I have worked with her once as a life model and there were artists there who I know. I felt completely at ease with it.

For some it is a delight rather than a fear. It can be completely asexual in certain circumstances but in others have a strong erotic charge.

Have you been naked in public? Did you get off on it? Would it be a challenge for you? Dare you... ?

Do tell...

Friday, 9 June 2017

"un art de vivre"?

I came across this comment on Twitter today,

"BDSM… Un art de vivre, pas un hobby."

Roughly translated - "BDSM... A lifestyle not a hobby."

Is MonsieurF right? Must BDSM be a lifestyle rather than a hobby or can it be either or even something in-between?